Toddler Refuses Preschool! Don't Panic, Here Are Some Constructive Steps to Take

This morning, for the second day in a row, our 3 year old daughter went "on strike" and refused to go to preschool.  As a counselor who works with truants, and school-refusal syndrome, my antenae perk up when someone at home says they're not going to school.

Fortunately, my wife and I had previously been "trained" by our first child, so we knew that "school blues" sometimes happen.  Usually on Mondays after a fun weekend with family and friends.

Don't panic!  The first day your toddler says, "I'm not going to preschool!" you may tense up.  But is it any different than when your child says, "I don't want to go home!" from the park?  In our case, it was hard to get the kids out the door to school, and then in the afternoon, it was hard to get them to leave.

Your child may (especially around the ages of 2, 3 and 4) just be flexing their "will" muscles.  Sure, they're testing you.  "What will mom and dad do if I...?"  This is all part of growing up, and testing of boundaries and limits that will continue well into the teenage years (wait till that gets started!)

You need to make sure that your expectations are clear and that guidelines are set.  There is really no need to reason with your baby at this point (it barely registers at this point).  There is no need to get angry or to induce a tantrum, either.

There are, however, some communication techniques you can use to massage the emotions of the moment so that your toddler is more cooperative.

"Are you ready for school?" almost always gets a "NO!" at our house.  Perhaps the better way to phrase this is without a question at all: "We're leaving for preschool after you brush your teeth.  Please be ready."  Simple, sequenced, and clear.

Another thing that will help your mornings immensely is to have enough spare time yourself to allow for these exchanges.  When you are already late, tempers are short, tantrums ensue.

Make sure, too, that there are no larger issues going on at the preschool.  If you suspect bullying or any other reason why your child wouldn't be comfortable in preschool, talk to the headmaster without delay.  Showing your support for your child's feelings will build immeasurable trust between you. 

Finally, and if you're lucky, you may just decide to take the day off with your child.  While it isn't possible every time, the day you spend with your toddler today may well be more important than anything they did at preschool that day, or anything you might have done at the office.